OK, I'm starting the programme for the third time. The first time was scuppered by my having to do a sudden trip to Laos for my visa (I'm teaching English in Thailand), and didnt have internet access.
The second is a more unfortunate reason - I have been struggling with alcohol dependency for some time now - indeed, for the past 3 months I have so far been in Thailand, there have not been many evenings during which I haven't been drinking. Though I have managed to go for a week or so booze-free, I fell off the wagon a couple of weeks ago - made meditation hard, as my head was clouded with intoxicants. For the same reason, my teaching suffered.
Just trying to think, now that my head's clear - what was it exactly, when did it appear, this void inside me that seems to have appeared about 2 years ago... I have an idea about what might have caused it. Seeing it a bit more clearly now.
Just hope I can do it this time - just hope that, between the meditation and being here, in a new place like Thailand, I can find something else to fill the void... but it's so fucking hard when everyone around me's getting fucked up....
We'll see. Any pointers on how to stop drinking appreciated
Huge Love,
Johnno xxxxxxx
Third time's a charm they say. I just want to wish you the best of luck. You are stronger than you think, being aware of what hinders your progress is the first step towards change. And just try living one day at a time, no pressure.
All the Best energy From Colombia!!
Alex
Johnno xxxxxxx, i am inspired by your honesty.....that's the key to letting it all go.
Enjoy from Italy Tocqie**
Thank you. I've now managed to get to the beginning of the sabaii section. But missed a few days, because I fell off the wagon last weekend. Did some crazy things, that shocked me right to the core when I heard about what I'd done afterwards.
Though I was still crippled with fear and guilt when I started today's meditation, 7 minutes before the end - BAM! There it was. Felt like I was being surrounded and hugged by all my true friends (I am lucky enough to have well over 5 of those, albeit they're not here with me, which has contributed to my mental health difficulties and my relapse).
Guess that's what they call the sabaii feeling - I have felt it before, but not related to meditation - most of my episodes of true happiness, over my life, have been related to spending time with friends - I value that more I guess, as due to having Aspergers, until relatively recently I did not make friends very easily at all.
Though I guess it's also the reason I placed a premium on going out and having fun with them, and contributed to my eventual ending up as an alcohol dependent.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
At least you have recognized the problem, and are willing to make some changes. But that's what meditation is all about! Self-control, isn't it?
Just keep working diligently towards it, and adjust your environment: surround yourself with people who will encourage you instead of bringing you down.
Good luck!